July 17th, 2011

I want to say.........

I want to say that my folks expect the best for me. Really I do. But I've been stopping with them for a couple of weeks now (it's my holiday) and it hit me that they see me as a screw up.

Growing up, they told me pretty regularly that I was an "intellectual pygmy," an "idiot child" and "someone who'd better learn some social skills, because [I've] got nothing else going for me," but I actually thought they were doing it to motivate me (I know I'm unfocused -what can I say, I bore easily). They weren't. They really think I'm "less."

Even after I got my doctorate, they told me that my doctorate proved nothing, as it was "bought and paid for." When, recently, I started to rebel against that some, and I pointed out they were being derogatory, their comments shifted. Now they point out that I'm a lardo "who'll be dead by the age of 60 if I don't lose weight."

Equally, they can't bring themselves to say something positive, even when it might be merited. As an example, I'm no David Bailey, but I take decent pictures. Now I know why. I've taken a lot more than the rest of my family, and I stop and think about what I want to photograph before I take the pictures.

At a recent family wedding, I took some decent pics. Not prize winning, but nice enough. But do I get anything close to a compliment? Ummm.....not do much. Apparently I took better photos because I had a better camera (that I'd learned how to use -only my family can make that sound like an insult), and my sister would have taken better photos had she tried.

That's what irritates me about my family. I'm earnest. I know I am, but how is it that trying to be decent at something can be aeen as wrong? It's beyond depressing. I know they love me, but they always try to make me feel like I'm less, and that just irritates.